One more time

I once feel hurt because of you.

Why not hurt me one more time?

Shoot me here right on my heart so I would die on the moment.

Please.

Thank you.

Exile

Exile

(n.)

1. expulsion from one's native land by authoritative decree.

2. the fact or state of such expulsion

5. anyone separated from his or her country or home voluntarily or by force of circumstance.

I exile myself to this country 3 years ago with the intention to set myself free from you, to make myself strong. I did set myself free from you, but I didn't know this exile would get me into another involvement.

And I am still not strong.

This world is so big. Maybe it is about the time to put myself to another exile.

搬家

來這裡以後，兩個多月，我就搬了。

這次搬家沒有什麼特別的感覺。只是覺得東西很多，很煩。整理東西的時候朋友問我這、那是哪來的，她問的東西剛巧都是別人送的。

別人送的，我捨不得扔，就這樣一路跟著我。

我想，我的東西能從兩個行李箱增加到兩車不是沒有原因的吧。酒呢，學生送的禮物；鍋子呢，朋友的媽媽送的；衣架呢，以前認識的日本朋友回國前給我的...

晚上在新住的地方整理東西，也許是太累了，開始有點情緒化起來...

我真的很想回去，可是我不敢，但也不知道在不敢什麼。

我真的很想放棄，可是我不敢，但也不知道在不敢什麼。

這兩車的東西... 以後要回台灣時該怎麼辦呢?

Night time

I like night time better than day time.

It is quiet,

And all the sadness, loneliness, weakness, and sin seem more reasonable, acceptable, or compatible when dark fall.

The song

She asked me about the song while I was driving her home.

"I will email you the file," I said.

I smiled.

She likes the song you like.

And then I thought of you, and had the song repeat for the rest of the night.

meaningless

I listened to the song that you like.

I read the article that you like.

I ate the food that you like.

I drank the beverage that you like.

I closed my eyes, and tried to search you that I was familiar with

in this semi-familiar city.

It is meaningless, but I just can't help.

過去這一個月... / In the past month...

過去這一個月以來，這些畫面一直在我腦海裡出現...

爸爸頭上的白髮...
抱媽媽的時候，突然發現媽媽好小...
媽媽說："你要是回來台灣，我就好像撿回一個女兒"...
坐在高鐵上時看到台灣綠油油的田地和落日...
深夜家裡社區外面亮黃的路燈...

當初心中那種堅定不移的熱情，已經漸漸開始冷卻，我開始不太確定這樣的決定是不是正確的，但我也不確定這是不是因為我一時的脆弱。
每天時間漫長的煎熬，有時讓我想一走了之。跟著其他車子一起開在高速公路上，有時會給我一種身不由己的無奈。每天睜開眼睛，綠色的小房間有時想讓我永遠閉上眼睛。


我感覺到靈魂的乾枯，就好像眼睜睜看著手中的流沙一點一滴的消失。

我還不夠強壯。
自以為過去三年的時間已經讓我比以前更加強壯，這時才發現那只是曇花一現的假象。